Tired.

Tired. I don't think I ever fully appreciated that word before now.

This past Monday was my second treatment of Round 2 (Taxol). This treatment doesn't seem to be quite as harsh as the Adriamycin and Cytoxan in terms of side effects. But man-o-man let me tell you about this second treatment.

First, I get three pre-treats (Nursing terminology): Benadryl, an antacid, and a steroid. These are all via IV before my Taxol treatment begins. Have you ever taken pill Benadryl before? Well I have, and that one, tiny little pink pill, could knock me out for HOURS. Now, let's try getting this dose directly injected into your veins. Within minutes I am almost completely knocked out.

My first Taxol treatment was ok; I was just tired, but overall fine. Wow, did that change this past Monday. I basically got my ass kicked with that treatment. Slurred speech, not being able to walk straight, lots and lots of sleep, foggy memory, and bone pain were just a few of the side effects I experienced. Apparently I talked with my mom on the phone during this fog and don't quite remember even answering the phone. Thankfully though, after an afternoon of sleep and rest I felt great (great being relative) the next morning.

While I'm glad this Round is a little easier to handle, I'm not so fond of one of the side effects so far... losing my eyebrows and eyelashes. This was a sad realization I had this week. Losing my hair was one of the hardest situations I have had to go through, but I always kept saying to myself "I just don't want to lose my eyebrows though". And now guess what, I'm losing my eyebrows. Lucky me.

I hate feeling sorry for myself, because really what is that going to accomplish? Nothing. And what is everyone else feeling sorry for me going to accomplish? Nothing. So I will suck it up and deal, just like I did with being bald. I can rock the bald head, I'm proud of my bald head. It shows that I am fighting a battle and that I'm not afraid to show it. My bald head gives me strength I never knew I had. It keeps me fighting. But losing my eyebrows, it's just hard to wrap my head around. Do I pencil them in? Do I just shave them? Do I shave them and use fake ones? There are so many options.

I truly admire women who have had to make these decisions and those who have had to make much harder ones. But I can't lie; right now I'm a little jealous of those women who have the easier choices. I wish for days where my hair just wouldn't cooperate. Or one of those "my hair is so ugly I'm going to throw it in a ponytail" days. Or any of the other days where women are complaining about their hair. Well hey; at least you have hair to complain about.

I realize that sounds a bit jaded, and it is; but not all of my days are filled with strength and positivity. Sometimes the fact that I do have cancer gets to me. Sometimes it’s only for a minute and others for a bit longer. It’s hard. To constantly be fighting, all day, every day. It’s exhausting. Some days it’s hard to get out of bed, to go to work, eat, go to class, to take care of my family and my house. I feel that if I can keep my good days outnumbering these “bad” ones, then I’ll be ok. It’s alright to feel defeated sometimes, just as long as you don’t stay there.

Any time I feel that this is all getting to be too much, I read this…

Cancer can take so much from you, if you let it. I'm not going to.

AD

Round 2, here we go.

4 down, 12 to go. Treatments that is.

I have a countdown going. April 27th cannot get here soon enough. That is THE last treatment of chemo and I cannot wait. Tomorrow I begin Round 2. I am excited/nervous. Round 1 was a cocktail of two drugs that were pretty harsh and the side affects were horrible. If you would have asked me a few months ago, "Alecia, what do you think are going to be the worst side affects of your chemo treatment?" I would have answered unknowingly, "Of course the nausea and hair loss!" Boy was I WRONG!

When you hear stories, watch movies, and think about chemo treatment you almost always hear about the hair loss and the nausea. Those seem to be the two side affects everyone talks about. Probably because they are the most kosher to discuss. But let me tell you something, they are probably the two easiest side affects to deal with. The ones that aren't so kosher to discuss, especially with strangers, are the worst ones. Like how for me, I don't want to eat after treatments because I feel like I am eating a tin can no matter what is in front of me. I have to force myself to drink water, even though it tastes like I'm drinking from an old rusty tin can. How diarrhea and constipation are two of the most common side affects and you could be on one or both sides of that fence. Discussing bowel movements isn't the most pleasant thing, even with your doctor. But these two have been the absolute WORST for me in the past two months. The nausea is bad, but they have medicine to help combat that and I was lucky enough to have a nicely shaped head, meaning I can rock the bald look. It's actually kind of nice, my showers are now only five minutes and I don't have to fuss over my hair not cooperating when styling in the morning. I was blessed with quite a bit of confidence and have come to love my bald head!

Tomorrow begins the journey of many unknowns again. At least with Round 1, I knew what to expect and was beginning to get used to how my body was reacting to treatment. The second week of each cycle was nice, especially since I felt "normal" again. Food tasted good, I enjoyed drinking water, and could function pretty well. Going in to weekly treatments, especially with a new drug, scares me. I don't know how I will react and I won't have that weekly cushion where I know I feel okay. A new drug brings out new side affects. How will I react? What will be the worst? These are questions that I would really love the answer to, but have to find out as I go.

This journey has been horrifying and I have learned quite a bit about myself along the way. Like the fact that it's okay to go to bed at 7PM if I'm tired. I shouldn't beat myself up because I'm tired. I should sleep when my body tells me it needs sleep, eat when it tells me I need food, and to relax when it tells me I've pushed myself too far. I've realized to listen to what my body is telling me, which is a hard concept to grasp sometimes. We don't always listen and that's how we make ourselves sick and spread ourselves too thin. That is one positive that has come from this cancerous journey. Stop every once in a while and listen to what your body is saying. Sometimes that's the best medicine.

I'll let you all know how tomorrow goes. Thank you so much for following along and reading my crazy and sometimes philosophical ideas. This blog has helped me cope with my diagnosis and treatment, so I thank you for letting me share my journey!

Until next time.

AD