Fill #2

I just cried. Like full blown sniffles and uncontrollable tears. I don't know when the last time I cried like that was. I hate the way crying makes me feel. Not that I'm embarrassed or mad at myself for crying, but physically I hate how crying makes me feel. My body hurts, my eyes get puffy and red, and I constantly have to blow my nose. But I couldn't help it tonight.

I had fill #2 today and I have been in excruciating pain since 2:30pm. 75cc of saline in each expander later, I'm still in pain. And this isn't normal soreness. This is I don't want to breather or move a muscle, except I can't find a position to sit that is comfortable; which means I keep moving. Very counterproductive, I know. And my doctor wanted to put 100cc in. Boy, am I glad his nurse realized that was just not doable! We had to stop after 50cc and keep taking breaks for the last 25. It wasn't unbearable then, but man it is now.

You know it's bad when two pain pills and a muscle relaxer aren't even touching the pain! It's hard to explain how this feels. The best way I can explain it is it feels very similar to labor pains. Weird, I know. It's so sharp it takes my breath away and I can't find a position to sit that it doesn't hurt. While my chest muscles hurt, it's also my neck and my back too.

I attempted to go to class tonight, and I'm proud of myself for making it through 2 hours! The drive there and back were interesting and also very painful. I don't think I would do that again!!! I am hoping I can actually sleep some tonight because right now it doesn't seem plausible.

Cancer has tested my body and my mental and emotional strength, but this is pushing my body physically to the limit. And it sucks.

The only bright spot is that I was cleared of all my weight restrictions. This is especially exciting for me because I have a 25lb little man that is going to get the biggest squeeze of all time after this pain subsides! So hopefully that is very soon!

Until next time...

AD