Scars make us who we are

My diagnosis was probably the hardest moment of my life. At 26 I was supposed to be enjoying life as a wife and mother, not fighting a cancer battle. Cancer is what happens to other people, not me. The past eight months have truly shown me what I am capable of doing. I always knew I was stubborn, but getting through my diagnosis, surgery, IVF treatments, chemotherapy, losing my hair, and a second surgery showed my true colors. I am a fighter. I am a survivor.

Those are two reasons why I chose to go through with a bi-lateral mastectomy. The decision was easy for me, especially with the help of genetic testing. So on May 27th I took a leap and had both breasts removed. I am opting for reconstruction, so the beginning of that process started right after the mastectomy. It's been an interesting ten days so far. I am glad I went through with the surgery, but it's been hard physically, but mostly it's been hard emotionally.

Not being able to do much at home is quite boring. The most excitement I had was going to the movies on Tuesday. It was the first time I was out of the house for more than 20 minutes and I loved it! However, I don't think my body was quite ready for that outing. At 4:30 am the next day I woke up with searing pain in my back and chest. It was hard to breathe. I thought it was just in my head, so I turned on the TV and tried to just relax and fall back asleep. That did not happen. So I went upstairs and woke Colin up. You would have thought I yelled "FIRE" the way he jumped out of bed. I had a gripping pain that would not go away. Looking back, I'm pretty sure it was an intense muscle spasm, but in the moment I thought it was going to kill me. I know that's a bit dramatic, but it was intense.

Thankfully that was the only BIG thing that happened. Other than that, I just keep getting scolded for doing more than I should. I have a hard time not doing things, but when I don't listen, I pay for it later in pain. The expanders they put in after removing the breast tissue are VERY uncomfortable. They essentially put a square piece in a round area underneath muscle.

We've had a home health nurse come by a few times to help us in cleaning the incisions and change the dressings. Neither Colin nor I have any health background, so it's been nice to have someone who knows what they're doing helping us a few times a week. The second visit was this past Sunday. That was the hardest one by far. When she was changing my dressing I accidentally looked down and saw, well nothing and it freaked me out. I went pale and thought I was going to pass out. Even though I opted for this surgery and knew that I was getting rid of my breasts, it's still hard to see it first hand. I lost a part of me, part of what made me a woman. Even now, I still haven't looked in a mirror because I don't know if I'm ready to face my body yet. I did have Colin take a picture for me so I can see the incisions.

This is what breast cancer awareness campaigns should show you...
Be warned, this photo is graphic.

You can see that it's not the prettiest of scars that I will have. The surgeons say this looks good, by the way. I'm extremely uncomfortable because of the expanders, swollen, and bruised. Everyone knows the pink ribbon and all of the cute items that are for sale, but this is really what they should be showing, this is what breast cancer really looks like.

I'm hanging in there and am glad this is the last leg of this journey.

Until next time...

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