The day of pain

I remember when I used to be afraid of needles. You would think since I have two tattoos I wouldn't be afraid of them. Well, that is completely insane. Of course I hated needles. When I had my immunizations for college they had to use a "shot blocker" on me so I wouldn't cry. I was a 17 year old in a pediatrician's office and they had to use something they normally save for little kids!

Fast forward almost ten years and that fear has completely gone out the window. I've been poked, prodded, and poked again with so many needles; at this point it doesn't even phase me. I am grateful for this because for the next 10 years I have to get a shot monthly to continue my cancer treatment. Now this is a good thing (I guess as good as it can be), because it means that my tumor was estrogen positive. An estrogen positive tumor means that they can reduce my risk of getting cancer again by putting me on hormone therapy. This is nice, but it will be for TEN YEARS. Not only do I have to get this shot once a month, I also have to take a pill daily. Now that doesn't sound too horrible in the grand scheme of things, except at 26 I have extreme hot flashes. Now most women under the age of 50 don't have to worry about these and those of you who have/had them know exactly what I am talking about. For those of you who don't, let me share a little. Hot flashes are random, which is the lovely part, I never know when one will creep up on me. This past week it has been at five in the morning when I am trying to sleep and I wake up sweating and have to turn the air down just to go back to sleep. I feel like I am in a freaking rainforest. The temperature is 90+ degrees and the humidity is at 100%. That's what my hot flash feels like. Let me tell you, they're not fun.

Even worse than the hot flashes that the shot/pill combo cause is the shot itself. Now I still don't like watching myself get prodded with needles, so I tend to look away. Apparently this shot (which for my nursing and medical friends - it's subq) is not a normal one. There is no liquid injected rather it is a pellet, yes I said a PELLET that is injected under my skin that absorbs over the course of four weeks. So with this pellet being injected, it's not a normal needle. I've given myself and have gotten subq shots before and they're easy peasy lemon squeezy. This most definitely was NOT easy. First I have to be lying complete flat (which isn't comfortable with these lovely expanders in right now). Second, it's a rather large gauge for this pellet to fit through. Thankful I had a wonderful nurse who made me put ice my on stomach for a good ten minutes before she gave me the shot. My stomach was nice and cold/numb so she had me look away and I didn't feel anything.

Since I have to do this monthly, she called in a prescription for topical numbing cream, so I don't always have to wait around for the ice to do it's magic. And for those of you who are wondering how large this needle was, let me share this story... There was a nurse who was learning how to give this injection (it's rare, but becoming more popular). Well her and my husband were with me when I got the shot and I was looking away before the needle was uncapped. When it was uncapped I hear simultaneous gasps from the two of them and horrified looks on their faces because of how big this needle was. Thankfully the ice did it's job and I was numb enough to not feel anything.

This day was definitely a day of pain, but in the long run this is the easy part of the ride.

Until next time...

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Catch up

It's been a while since I've shared with you and a lot has happened since then. First things first, I GOT MY DRAINS OUT! Those drains were the most awful part of recovery. I was so happy when I was able to get them out, but let me tell you the removal process was strange. Literally the nurse just yanked them out. She just cut the sutures and yanked which was a weird feeling. That's how I started my morning of marathon doctors appointments. But I was just so thankful for them to be gone! Two weeks and two days was long enough!

My marathon day of doctor's appointments consisted for the plastic surgeon, breast surgeon, and medical oncologist. I was exhausted by the time we left the last one. All was well and they said I was healing extremely well. The breast surgeon was a quick appointment (thankfully) and I am free and clear until my follow-up in October. I've realized that this will be my new normal, seeing these doctors quite a bit over the next ten years. Now it was on to my medical oncologist. This was the appointment I guess you could say I was looking forward to, if that's even possible. We were going to cover what my next course of treatment was going to be and in the matter of 20 minutes, it all changed! That's the thing about cancer treatment, they're always doing research on new medications. So in a conversation with one of the other oncologists in the office who sees more breast cancer patients, she was convinced to try a new course of treatment with me. So my life for the next ten years is still taking a pill daily (which I still haven't gotten, thanks insurance), but also getting a shot monthly. I got my first shot this past Thursday, but that's for another post (it was rather interesting)! Let's just say it was not what I expected...

After my marathon of appointments last week, I headed to my hometown with my mom. The next day we were participating in our family's first Relay for Life and I had family coming in from Pennsylvania. Relay started Saturday morning at 10 and lasted until 11 that night. This wasn't my first Relay, but this was the first one as a survivor AND I was going to be speaking! The day was a lot of fun, but I was still recovering from surgery, so I couldn't do a whole lot, but I did some walking and relaxing! The survivor lap was actually a lot of "fun". I've never been one to feel sorry for myself with this diagnosis and seeing the group of survivors and leading them around that lap was a great feeling. I even made it in the paper...

They got the caption wrong to this photo, but it was still pretty cool we were in the paper!

Our Relay for Life team during the team lap.

I was going to be speaking before the luminary ceremony at dusk. I had no idea what I was going to be saying and I knew I couldn't really plan anything because I didn't want to read of a paper, I wanted to speak from the heart. I am definitely not shy talking about my journey with breast cancer, so my husband said just share all that I've been through. My goal wasn't to make people cry, but to really share a story of hope, strength, and determination. The hardest part was looking at my mom and aunt while I was speaking since they were both crying and I was trying so hard to keep it together. I don't like crying over this stuff, I didn't even really cry when I found out, to me it wasn't worth it. I shared with everyone that being 26 and diagnosed with cancer sucked, but that I was actually thankful for all of it because it taught me what is important in life, family. My family is the reason I was able to make it through with my head held high and my son especially gave me the drive to never let my treatments and surgeries get me down.

 Kolton joined me half way through the survivors lap. He woke up from his nap just in time!

Until next time...

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Scars make us who we are

My diagnosis was probably the hardest moment of my life. At 26 I was supposed to be enjoying life as a wife and mother, not fighting a cancer battle. Cancer is what happens to other people, not me. The past eight months have truly shown me what I am capable of doing. I always knew I was stubborn, but getting through my diagnosis, surgery, IVF treatments, chemotherapy, losing my hair, and a second surgery showed my true colors. I am a fighter. I am a survivor.

Those are two reasons why I chose to go through with a bi-lateral mastectomy. The decision was easy for me, especially with the help of genetic testing. So on May 27th I took a leap and had both breasts removed. I am opting for reconstruction, so the beginning of that process started right after the mastectomy. It's been an interesting ten days so far. I am glad I went through with the surgery, but it's been hard physically, but mostly it's been hard emotionally.

Not being able to do much at home is quite boring. The most excitement I had was going to the movies on Tuesday. It was the first time I was out of the house for more than 20 minutes and I loved it! However, I don't think my body was quite ready for that outing. At 4:30 am the next day I woke up with searing pain in my back and chest. It was hard to breathe. I thought it was just in my head, so I turned on the TV and tried to just relax and fall back asleep. That did not happen. So I went upstairs and woke Colin up. You would have thought I yelled "FIRE" the way he jumped out of bed. I had a gripping pain that would not go away. Looking back, I'm pretty sure it was an intense muscle spasm, but in the moment I thought it was going to kill me. I know that's a bit dramatic, but it was intense.

Thankfully that was the only BIG thing that happened. Other than that, I just keep getting scolded for doing more than I should. I have a hard time not doing things, but when I don't listen, I pay for it later in pain. The expanders they put in after removing the breast tissue are VERY uncomfortable. They essentially put a square piece in a round area underneath muscle.

We've had a home health nurse come by a few times to help us in cleaning the incisions and change the dressings. Neither Colin nor I have any health background, so it's been nice to have someone who knows what they're doing helping us a few times a week. The second visit was this past Sunday. That was the hardest one by far. When she was changing my dressing I accidentally looked down and saw, well nothing and it freaked me out. I went pale and thought I was going to pass out. Even though I opted for this surgery and knew that I was getting rid of my breasts, it's still hard to see it first hand. I lost a part of me, part of what made me a woman. Even now, I still haven't looked in a mirror because I don't know if I'm ready to face my body yet. I did have Colin take a picture for me so I can see the incisions.

This is what breast cancer awareness campaigns should show you...
Be warned, this photo is graphic.

You can see that it's not the prettiest of scars that I will have. The surgeons say this looks good, by the way. I'm extremely uncomfortable because of the expanders, swollen, and bruised. Everyone knows the pink ribbon and all of the cute items that are for sale, but this is really what they should be showing, this is what breast cancer really looks like.

I'm hanging in there and am glad this is the last leg of this journey.

Until next time...

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No more second base

Well it has been just over a week since I took the final step (hopefully) in this process.

(I don't know if you can see, but I AM GROWING EYEBROWS AND EYELASHES!!! WOO HOO!)

My surgery went well and there were no complications. I was told the surgery was about 3.5 hours, I don't know... one minute we were talking about vacations, honeymoons, and music and the next I was in some serious pain in recovery. I still haven't heard anything about the pathology results, but I'm going with no news being good news.

I wasn't that nervous going in to this surgery, I think mainly because this was the last step. I've already gone through hell and back and made it out alive; so this should be a piece of cake. Piece of cake may have been a little strong I'm realizing now. While the surgery went smoothly, the initial recovery was pretty rough. I remember waking up and screaming/crying because I was in so much pain, so they promptly gave me some good pain meds. After I became pretty stable I was to be moved to my own room for the night. Waiting for the transport team was excruciatingly long. Apparently I was low on their priority list. I almost wish they would have just left me in recovery because when the transport team did come, they put me back in some serious pain.

With this surgery I am not able to move my arms above my shoulders. Well, I had a blood pressure cuff on my right arm in recovery and when they came to transport me, they had to take it off. They were not very careful in doing this though, nor was he gentle. He raised my arm up (extremely painful) and yanked the cuff off. So I was not a happy camper to say the least and told my nurse as soon as I was in my room.

I digress... I go in to my room and was thankful and surprised to see a little note on my board from Alli. It was nice to know there was a familiar face roaming the halls. All of my nurses were fabulous and all of my PSAs were as well. That first night was rough, in all ways. I was still in so much pain, so I was getting meds via my IV. I had no appetite and pretty much stayed in my bed trying to eat a few ice chips when I could. In the middle of the night I decided I needed to go to the bathroom. Now this was interesting and a production. I was hooked up to the IV pump, so I had to have the nurse help. I got out of bed and started shuffling to the bathroom, which was maybe ten feet from my bed. I made it maybe three feet before I got extremely nauseous and dizzy. At that point I couldn't move, so my mom brought a chair over for me to sit and the nurse brought be a bucket to hold. I couldn't help it, I started vomiting. Now let me tell you... vomiting when you haven't eaten or drank anything really hurts. Actually, I lied. I did eat something, about one bite of a grape popsicle. So I was throwing up lovely stomach acid and a tiny bit of purple sugar water. Lovely. That was not what I had in mind for my first out of bed excursion.

Zofran was my friend for quite some time following surgery. My body was not a fan of the anesthesia for surgery. Most people only spend one night in the hospital after a bi-lateral mastectomy. I had to spend two. Thursday was not much better than Wednesday evening/night. I didn't really get out of bed except to go the ten feet to the bathroom. I was on pain medication and Zofran every four or five hours. The WORST part of all of this was the reaction I had to the pain meds. Itchiness. My WHOLE body was on fire and itched like crazy. I couldn't even keep the hospital gown on. I literally was in my undies and surgical bra. It was awful. So on top of the anti-nausea medication, pain medication, I was now also on Benadryl.

Well now that I've shared probably more information than you cared to know, I'll move on. After spending another night in the hospital I felt much better. Friday morning I actually was hungry. I hadn't eaten anything since Tuesday evening at this point. I was so hungry that my eyes were WAY bigger than my stomach. I could only eat four or five bites of anything and then I was full. So I had a little bit of graham crackers and peanut butter (thanks Jess), a few bites of butter toast, a few bites of peanut butter toast with sliced banana, and a few bites of oatmeal. I couldn't order just one thing for breakfast, it all sounded so delicious.

Before I was able to go home, we had to learn how to take care of my wounds. I was not looking forward to this at all. The breast health nurse, Nancy, came to my room and taught Colin and my mom want to do. Even though I opted for this surgery and knew I'd be losing my boobs, I wasn't ready (and I'm still not ready) to look at my incisions. We had to change the dressings once a day and clean everything with peroxide. I have these two lovely drains on either side that we also have to empty at least twice a day and "strip". While Nancy was going over all of this my mom asked a million questions and made me very anxious about all of it... it was too much. Colin even had to sit down and look away for a few minutes. The drains just suck. There is no way around it. Wednesday night the left drain was so full that I couldn't breathe. And I'm stuck with these lovely drains for at least ten days, but probably more like 16 (or if I'm REALLY unlucky 22).

I think that's all for now. I'll fill you in on the adventures of being home in the next post.

Until next time...

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