A look back

Apparently the 27th is meant to be an important day to me.
     - April 27th - Last day of chemo
     - May 27th - Double mastectomy
     - August 27th - My birthday

Today marks 3 months since the end of chemo, 2 months since my 2nd surgery, and 1 month until my 27th birthday.

So much has changed in the 3 months since I had my last chemo treatment. The biggest change is that I HAVE HAIR  and no boobs! My hair is coming back with some rage too. And it can't really decide what color it wants to be. Gray, silver, white, blond, black? How about all of the above. While I am excited to see how my hair is going to return, I am starting to miss the days of baldness... Weird, I know, but let me tell you the wonders of being bald. Men have figured this out ages ago and us women (at least those going through chemo) should relish in the simplicity of it all.

I mean seriously, look at how much hair I have!

So let's start with the benefits of being bald:

1. 5 minute showers. LITERALLY 5 minutes. The glory of having all of your hair fall out is that I didn't have to shave (hallelujah), so that shaved (ha ha, get it?) off at least 5-10 minutes of shower time.

2. No fuss hair styling. No hair, no worries about having a bad hair day! Now I know not everyone has a round head and likes to show off their baldness, but it was the most empowering and refreshing part of losing all of my hair. It's just hair. It has no meaning to who I am as a person or what anyone thinks of me. I wore my baldness proudly at work, at home, at treatment,at yoga, and at the store (when I was allowed out of the house). I wore my baldness as a badge of honor. A symbol of just how strong I was/am.

3. A new understanding of beauty. Losing all of my hair really put things into perspective for me. I was never one to focus much on vanity, but when you are losing something that is truly a piece of you, a reflection of how you see yourself, it's hard. I'm not going to lie and say that losing my hair was easy, it was difficult and emotional. I cried in the shower when it started coming out in clumps as I was washing my hair. And I cried when Katy took the clippers to it and shaved off what I had left. But ya know what? I was surviving. And that was more beautiful than any amount of hair and makeup.

Now I know that's only 3 reasons, but they are powerful ones. Especially that 5 minute shower!!!

Also, last week I finally got a drawing for my tattoo. My motto this entire year has been "Fight like a girl" and I wanted to keep that with me for, well, the rest of my life. So I had a talented recent grad (who I miss working in our office) to sketch something for me. She is amazingly talented and I absolutely love what she came up with. So here it is...

I love how she incorporated so many "hidden" ribbons throughout! Thank you Emily for such an amazing job!

Until next time...

AD

Three months out

Next week marks three months since I finished chemo and two months since my double mastectomy. Wow.

Back in December when I started treatments, it felt like April was light years away. And now it's in my rear view mirror. It took so much to get through all those treatments and then this surgery, but I'm positive I came out a better person. No one should have to go through everything I did, but I also know that there are people who have it worse than I did. Yes losing your hair sucks, but I lived. Being nauseous constantly and not wanting to eat or drink because of the awful metallic taste in your mouth sucked, but it passed. And yes, getting stuck all over both arms to get my treatments was terrible, but I didn't have to get a port. I came out of all of this a more caring, passionate, reassured, calm, and understanding person.

I was reminded of all this late last night when I connected, on all places, Facebook with a young mother who is a breast cancer survivor. She too had a toddler while going through treatments and came out on top. Her story resonated with me, so I did what anyone would do to a total stranger, sent her a friend request. Shanna, thank you for not thinking I was a total creep/weirdo for sending you that friend request and message. Thank you for chatting with me from states away. Thank you for sharing with me and reminding me that I don't have to be alone in all of this; that there are other young women who are facing/faced the same struggles and battles I have. But mostly, thank you for connecting me with so many of these beautiful and strong women.

I know I've said this probably 50 times by now, but it's worth saying again. This isn't a club I ever wished to join, but it's great to know there are others who know my struggles and battles. This is a special club made of the most beautiful, strong, and brave women I will ever know and I am glad to be in their company.

Cancer sucks if your 26, 46, or 86. There is no getting around that. I am a huge sports nut and this past weekend was Stuart Scott's 50th birthday, so in honor of someone who faced much harder battles than I have...

"You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live."

Until next time...

AD

Fill #2

I just cried. Like full blown sniffles and uncontrollable tears. I don't know when the last time I cried like that was. I hate the way crying makes me feel. Not that I'm embarrassed or mad at myself for crying, but physically I hate how crying makes me feel. My body hurts, my eyes get puffy and red, and I constantly have to blow my nose. But I couldn't help it tonight.

I had fill #2 today and I have been in excruciating pain since 2:30pm. 75cc of saline in each expander later, I'm still in pain. And this isn't normal soreness. This is I don't want to breather or move a muscle, except I can't find a position to sit that is comfortable; which means I keep moving. Very counterproductive, I know. And my doctor wanted to put 100cc in. Boy, am I glad his nurse realized that was just not doable! We had to stop after 50cc and keep taking breaks for the last 25. It wasn't unbearable then, but man it is now.

You know it's bad when two pain pills and a muscle relaxer aren't even touching the pain! It's hard to explain how this feels. The best way I can explain it is it feels very similar to labor pains. Weird, I know. It's so sharp it takes my breath away and I can't find a position to sit that it doesn't hurt. While my chest muscles hurt, it's also my neck and my back too.

I attempted to go to class tonight, and I'm proud of myself for making it through 2 hours! The drive there and back were interesting and also very painful. I don't think I would do that again!!! I am hoping I can actually sleep some tonight because right now it doesn't seem plausible.

Cancer has tested my body and my mental and emotional strength, but this is pushing my body physically to the limit. And it sucks.

The only bright spot is that I was cleared of all my weight restrictions. This is especially exciting for me because I have a 25lb little man that is going to get the biggest squeeze of all time after this pain subsides! So hopefully that is very soon!

Until next time...

AD

My baby is 2!

I can't believe today is July 9th. This day is very special to me as it's my son's birthday. Two years ago we were awaiting his arrival, planning a baby shower, and buying/moving into our first home. When we do things in our family, we do them BIG. Like moving into our home three days before our son is born!

While neither Colin nor I graduated from Ohio State, it plays a part in our family's story. Colin proposed to me at the front gates of the Shoe in April of 2011 and apparently Kolton knew from the start he would be a big Buckeyes fan. I went on a tour of Ohio State's campus on July 8th and ended up in the hospital that night. I was in labor.

That night was one of the scariest of my life, even scaring than my cancer diagnosis. We knew he would be joining us soon, but this was six weeks early, he wasn't ready to come out yet. He had other plans. From the beginning Kolton has been a stubborn little boy, but he was the easiest going baby I had ever seen. I made it through the night without going into labor, but they finally had to break my water the next morning at 10:00am and at 10:33am on Tuesday, July 9th my baby Kolton John Dennis was born. He was as sweet as could be, but only 4lbs 4oz with underdeveloped lungs. I only got to hold him for about 20 minutes before they had to take him to the NICU. Those 20 minutes were precious.

19 days later, he came home!

Kolton has been my greatest accomplishment. Having a 1 1/2 year old and being diagnosed with cancer isn't something that I planned on doing in my life, but it happened. He was the main reason I never let myself get down in the dumps. He was my focus and he was my joy. Even though I was traveling through hell and back, he gave me something positive to focus on. I felt like crap, but he needed to eat. I was tired, but he needed a diaper changed. I felt like I couldn't do anymore, and he needed to cuddle. He truly lifted my spirits and I thank God for him everyday.

I am so thankful that he was young enough that he won't remember all of this. But his innocence was the exact push I needed during all of this. He didn't care that momma didn't have any hair or that I had gained weight or that I was exhausted. I was still his momma and he knew he could always make me smile.

He's been through a lot in his two short years. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me (sorry Colin).

I love you buddy and happy birthday!

Love,

Momma