We'll see how this goes

http://youtu.be/AuR9gBAQQaQ

I tried my hand at a vlog this week 😳, so check out the link above!

Another anniversary

I can't believe tomorrow is December 15th! For most people that day means little, but for me and my family it is a day that my entire outlook on life changed. Day one of chemo. Colin doesn't get why I remember these dates and it's hard to explain it, but all of this is a part of me now. I can't forget. Every time I have a hot flash I'm reminded of everything all over again. It never leaves. There is always a part of me that is scared of a reoccurrence. Unless you've experienced cancer first hand, you probably think I'm crazy.

Just thinking about this past year I get emotional. Joyful that I made it through stronger, exhausted when I think what all I've done, amazed at how time has flown by, and so many more.

Here's to a year filled with tough battles, lots of needles, more doctor appointments than I ever want to have again, and realizing that I am so much stronger than I ever realized. Cancer, I hate your stinking guts still, but you've taught me more in a year than most learn in a lifetime.

AD

Hi again

I'm sorry I've been so absent. Life has just been crazy (when hasn't it though?). On Timehop this morning I was reminded that one year ago was when I first started this blog. I have to say thank you to my boss for encouraging me to begin this to share my "journey". This blog has been an outlet for me. A savior of some sorts. I just want to say thank you for letting me share with you all.

This past year has been filled with laughter, tears, perseverance, stubbornness, hopelessness, nausea, pain, new experiences, and so many silver linings. It sounds crazy, but I would not have changed any of this if I could. Yes, going through cancer, chemo, IVF, and three surgeries was absolutely insane, but I have been blessed beyond belief throughout this past year. During my hiatus the past month and a half, I had the opportunity to do some pretty cool things. Have I mentioned I'm a HUGE sports fan? More specifically, I'm a huge Cleveland sports fan! On Mother's Day I was honored as the "Honorary Bat Girl" through the MLB and got to throw out the first pitch at the Indians game; and on October 18th I went to my first Browns game. The best part of the Browns game was that they were playing the Broncos... (just kidding, but that was pretty awesome)! The 18th was Cleveland's Breast Cancer Awareness game and the American Cancer Society had a huge pink ribbon that was being displayed on the field during the pregame show. Colin and I were selected to be part of that because I was nominated by my mom and cousin for this awesome opportunity.

The game was absolutely amazing and absolutely FREEZING! I know Columbus isn't that far south, but it's far enough to get away from the lake and that crazy weather. For my first game, being able to go down on the field was crazy. Colin and I took so many pictures. We got to watch Peyton Manning warm up and got some pretty cool pictures (from that too far away). Emmanuel Sanders, Demaryius Thomas, and Bradley Roby were also warming up by us, so we got some pretty great pictures of them as well! Here are just a few...

It was so much fun. But of course, the Browns were the Browns and lost a game they should have won... Go figure! The coolest part of the whole experience was seeing... JOHN ELWAY. He walked right past us and Colin decided to shout... "You're John Elway" as if he didn't already know that.

Also during my hiatus, I got to take my official #sisterhoodofthetravelingpinkwig pictures! Thank you to my step-dad and mom for running around downtown Columbus with me the in cold weather (while they were sick) to take these. I am so excited to see how they all turn out when they're done, but here's just a sneak preview...

Don't you just love that shirt? I stood strong. I fought hard. I WON!

I am so excited to share with you all that my third and hopefully final surgery is this Friday! WOO HOO! No more boulders in my chest! I cannot put into words how excited I am about this!!! Thankfully this is only an outpatient procedure, so no hospital stays for me. I kindly ask for any positive thoughts or prayers to be sent my family's way for an easy surgery and fast recovery.

Again, thank you all for keeping up with me and letting me share with you.

Until next time...

AD

Last step!

After 13 months of my life turning upside down, I can FINALLY see the light at the end of the tunnel! My LAST surgery is scheduled!!! While this journey will never be quite "over" it's a great feeling to have my final surgery scheduled.

Last year the holidays were different to put it nicely. It wasn't how I wanted to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Years, but I didn't have a choice really. I am really looking forward to spending the holidays this year with a renewed outlook on life and with family. For some, it's the only time of the year where we see them and last year we missed out. Having two families that live so close to one another is a blessing and a curse all at once... But the holidays are the one time I am so truly grateful for being able to spend time with everyone... Even if it does run Colin and I ragged.

In other news... It's Breast Cancer Awareness month and I have become, well you could say, famous. I was featured in the "pink" section of a local newspaper this past Sunday where I did an interview of my experience with breast cancer at such a young age. It was great to be able to share my story in the hopes that it helps someone dealing with this awful disease. That's what I hope about this blog too, that me sharing this experience, both good, bad, and ugly, will help someone in some small way. I try to be real and honest, because it's definitely not all sunshine and pink ribbons... It's so much more than that! Here is the article with a photo of my sweet baby boy and me!

Also, and this may be the most exciting of all... I was one of the survivors selected to attend the Browns game this Sunday!!! AND I get to go ON THE FIELD 😁! If you can't tell, I'm super excited for this opportunity. I am a life-long Browns fan and this will be my first game, so I'm hoping they can pull of another win this week (yea I know, it's the Browns 😂).

Well, until next time...

AD

The day my life changed forever

September 29, 2014 is the day my entire life changed. It was around 2pm on a Monday while I was on vacation. Since I am in my twenties, I never even had a thought about cancer. Cancer is for old people and for unhealthy people, I was neither. But I received a very rude awakening when my doctor finally uttered "the biopsy results came back and your lump is malignant.

I had breast cancer. Cancer had a face now, and it was me!

This past year has been a roller coaster of emotion. I've undergone two surgeries (soon to be three), IVF, and 16 chemotherapy treatments. I did this all while having a toddler at home, working, and still going to classes to pursue my MBA. Thankfully though, I had an army working for and with me. My doctors have been nothing short of fantastic and I am grateful to have doctors who did not brush me off because of my age. My family, near and far, supported and encouraged me through my entire treatment. And my husband and son were there through everything and helped me laugh through it all. I couldn't have made it through without all of their help. Also, my coworkers who supported me and brought some great meals, and even better desserts!

So to celebrate my one year survivorship anniversary my mom and I hit the road, to Washington, D.C. 

We attended the ACS CAN Lights of Hope event. They were urging Congress to increase financial support for cancer research. There was so much passion and drive with this group and it was great to celebrate my one year anniversary with them. It wasn't ideal weather, actually it was horrible weather!the rain did not stop us though! We heard from two big advocates for cancer research, Marcia Cross and Chris Draft (retired NFL player). We also got to hear from a ACS CAN Ambassador who is a cancer survivor (at age 13) who is now pursuing her PhD in biology so she can continue cancer research at Johns Hopkins. Her message really stood out to me, you're never truly done with cancer. You can never go back to the way things were "before cancer", that life is gone and you have to try and find your "new normal". I am still trying to find my new normal and it isn't easy.

It may sound crazy, but cancer has changed my life quite a bit, but mostly for the better. I am a better person now than the one who started this journey just a year ago. I have also been blessed with 13 breast friends who are all kick ass survivors! Meeting these women has been my biggest blessing on cancer, my silver lining. They understand what I have and am going through because they have faced the same obstacles. I talk to them daily and they are there to help me if I am having a hard day, but even better, they are there to celebrate the victories with me. Our victories may not always been huge, but sometimes making it through a day in one piece is an accomplishment and no ones understands better than them. I am forever grateful for their friendship, support, and encouragement.

Until next time...

AD

The day it all started

It was a Saturday like any other in the fall. Ohio State was playing Kent State that day. I was getting ready to shower when it happen, a sharp pain in my left breast. I thought maybe I had a bruise I didn't know about, that happens a lot. I looked in the mirror, but didn't see anything. So I started feeling around and there it was, a lump. I was instantly scared. I didn't know what to do, so I made Colin feel and he felt it too. My first reaction was "What do I do?". Rather sarcastically he said "Ya go to the doctor!". I was scared to go to the doctor. I knew a lump in your breast is usually not a good thing.

Since it was a Saturday, my doctor's office wasn't open, so I did the next best thing, emailed. I went on about my day and enjoyed the Buckeyes win... And it was a good one too, 66-0!

I can't believe it has already been a year since this all started. I've been through so much since that day last fall and I like to believe I'm a different person. Cancer hasn't defined me, but it has redefined me! I can't wait until there is a day where no one has to go through this!

Happy football Sunday everyone! Kolton and I are ready to cheer on our Browns this afternoon!

If I can share one piece of advice to any woman, it would be... Don't listen to the old wives tales about lumps. My family told me that if it hurt, that was a good sign, that it wasn't cancerous... That pain basically saved my life because it made me do a self exam!

Until next time...

AD

A little bit of nostalgia

Today was a big day at work, move-in for our first year class. This is always an exciting day because as Admission Counselors we get to go around campus and talk with all of the students we have helped since last summer/fall. Today is truly a day where I love my job. Sometimes being an admission counselor means long nights at college fairs, traveling endless miles in my car, listening to A LOT of books on CD, making lots of phone calls, and making connections. My favorite part of my job is making connections, not only with students, but their families as well. This past year has been rough to say the least. And through it all I have tried to keep a positive attitude and not let cancer deter me from doing my job. Though my role changed briefly during treatment, I still made those phone calls and tried to make as many connections as possible for each of my students. Now, more than ever, I realize how important those connections are.

It was a great day with my co-workers and really a day to celebrate! And boy did we!

We took freeze pops around to the residence halls so we could say "hi" to everyone. They were a HUGE hit, even with parents!

Then we had a great time welcoming all the new students at the Gate ceremony.

All in all, it was a great day. Even my Fit Bit says so...

I don't know if I can keep these numbers up though!

Until next time...

AD

It's about time

My life has been pretty hectic for the past few years, there's no denying that. Sometimes I forget how hectic it really was until I start to tell someone. Colin and I have been moving non-stop since we got married. From our wedding to a miscarriage to being pregnant with Kolton to buying a house to him finishing school to me starting graduate school to my diagnosis to surgery #1 to IVF to chemotherapy to surgery #2 - it's been crazy to say the least.

I wouldn't trade these past three years for anything, but it's been a lot to handle for two people in their early and mid twenties. We have been through the burning fires of hell and back. We made it out in one piece, even if that piece was exhausted and a little jagged around the edges. We made it out alive and more determined and stronger than ever. My marriage, love, and faith are stronger and more important now because of all the shit we've been through in three years. That's for sure.

This week we are taking our first vacation ever together. One week without our son and the distractions of everyday life at home. It's beautiful. Even though we feel bad for leaving Kolton at home, we know he's been well taken care of with family. This time away gives us time to really enjoy each other and finally have some fun after the hell which has been our life for the past 10 months.

The last time I was at the beach, I received the call I was dreading from my doctor telling me I had breast cancer at 26. This time around, I am celebrating being almost done with this life altering journey.

So here's to a relaxing vacation and kicking cancer's ass!

AD

Another day in paradise

Well, I can tell you it wasn't exactly paradise, but it was another day in the doctor's office.

Another fill. Thankfully this one wasn't as painful as the others, but it still wasn't pleasant. 50cc in each breast is still a lot of saline, especially when the purpose is to stretch the muscle to make room for permanent implants. It's excruciating. Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing this to myself? Why did I go through with the reconstruction? Then I remember, I'm only 26. This may sound naive, but breasts are a big part of what makes us feminine.

I'm over having these expanders. I'm done with the fills (not really though). I'm done with this whole process. I'm ready to be done. I'm sure this is not an uncommon feeling and I'm lucky that I am through with the majority of things, but it's still hard.

I'm just taking it all one day at a time. Hopefully it will all be over soon.

AD

A look back

Apparently the 27th is meant to be an important day to me.
     - April 27th - Last day of chemo
     - May 27th - Double mastectomy
     - August 27th - My birthday

Today marks 3 months since the end of chemo, 2 months since my 2nd surgery, and 1 month until my 27th birthday.

So much has changed in the 3 months since I had my last chemo treatment. The biggest change is that I HAVE HAIR  and no boobs! My hair is coming back with some rage too. And it can't really decide what color it wants to be. Gray, silver, white, blond, black? How about all of the above. While I am excited to see how my hair is going to return, I am starting to miss the days of baldness... Weird, I know, but let me tell you the wonders of being bald. Men have figured this out ages ago and us women (at least those going through chemo) should relish in the simplicity of it all.

I mean seriously, look at how much hair I have!

So let's start with the benefits of being bald:

1. 5 minute showers. LITERALLY 5 minutes. The glory of having all of your hair fall out is that I didn't have to shave (hallelujah), so that shaved (ha ha, get it?) off at least 5-10 minutes of shower time.

2. No fuss hair styling. No hair, no worries about having a bad hair day! Now I know not everyone has a round head and likes to show off their baldness, but it was the most empowering and refreshing part of losing all of my hair. It's just hair. It has no meaning to who I am as a person or what anyone thinks of me. I wore my baldness proudly at work, at home, at treatment,at yoga, and at the store (when I was allowed out of the house). I wore my baldness as a badge of honor. A symbol of just how strong I was/am.

3. A new understanding of beauty. Losing all of my hair really put things into perspective for me. I was never one to focus much on vanity, but when you are losing something that is truly a piece of you, a reflection of how you see yourself, it's hard. I'm not going to lie and say that losing my hair was easy, it was difficult and emotional. I cried in the shower when it started coming out in clumps as I was washing my hair. And I cried when Katy took the clippers to it and shaved off what I had left. But ya know what? I was surviving. And that was more beautiful than any amount of hair and makeup.

Now I know that's only 3 reasons, but they are powerful ones. Especially that 5 minute shower!!!

Also, last week I finally got a drawing for my tattoo. My motto this entire year has been "Fight like a girl" and I wanted to keep that with me for, well, the rest of my life. So I had a talented recent grad (who I miss working in our office) to sketch something for me. She is amazingly talented and I absolutely love what she came up with. So here it is...

I love how she incorporated so many "hidden" ribbons throughout! Thank you Emily for such an amazing job!

Until next time...

AD

Three months out

Next week marks three months since I finished chemo and two months since my double mastectomy. Wow.

Back in December when I started treatments, it felt like April was light years away. And now it's in my rear view mirror. It took so much to get through all those treatments and then this surgery, but I'm positive I came out a better person. No one should have to go through everything I did, but I also know that there are people who have it worse than I did. Yes losing your hair sucks, but I lived. Being nauseous constantly and not wanting to eat or drink because of the awful metallic taste in your mouth sucked, but it passed. And yes, getting stuck all over both arms to get my treatments was terrible, but I didn't have to get a port. I came out of all of this a more caring, passionate, reassured, calm, and understanding person.

I was reminded of all this late last night when I connected, on all places, Facebook with a young mother who is a breast cancer survivor. She too had a toddler while going through treatments and came out on top. Her story resonated with me, so I did what anyone would do to a total stranger, sent her a friend request. Shanna, thank you for not thinking I was a total creep/weirdo for sending you that friend request and message. Thank you for chatting with me from states away. Thank you for sharing with me and reminding me that I don't have to be alone in all of this; that there are other young women who are facing/faced the same struggles and battles I have. But mostly, thank you for connecting me with so many of these beautiful and strong women.

I know I've said this probably 50 times by now, but it's worth saying again. This isn't a club I ever wished to join, but it's great to know there are others who know my struggles and battles. This is a special club made of the most beautiful, strong, and brave women I will ever know and I am glad to be in their company.

Cancer sucks if your 26, 46, or 86. There is no getting around that. I am a huge sports nut and this past weekend was Stuart Scott's 50th birthday, so in honor of someone who faced much harder battles than I have...

"You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live."

Until next time...

AD

Fill #2

I just cried. Like full blown sniffles and uncontrollable tears. I don't know when the last time I cried like that was. I hate the way crying makes me feel. Not that I'm embarrassed or mad at myself for crying, but physically I hate how crying makes me feel. My body hurts, my eyes get puffy and red, and I constantly have to blow my nose. But I couldn't help it tonight.

I had fill #2 today and I have been in excruciating pain since 2:30pm. 75cc of saline in each expander later, I'm still in pain. And this isn't normal soreness. This is I don't want to breather or move a muscle, except I can't find a position to sit that is comfortable; which means I keep moving. Very counterproductive, I know. And my doctor wanted to put 100cc in. Boy, am I glad his nurse realized that was just not doable! We had to stop after 50cc and keep taking breaks for the last 25. It wasn't unbearable then, but man it is now.

You know it's bad when two pain pills and a muscle relaxer aren't even touching the pain! It's hard to explain how this feels. The best way I can explain it is it feels very similar to labor pains. Weird, I know. It's so sharp it takes my breath away and I can't find a position to sit that it doesn't hurt. While my chest muscles hurt, it's also my neck and my back too.

I attempted to go to class tonight, and I'm proud of myself for making it through 2 hours! The drive there and back were interesting and also very painful. I don't think I would do that again!!! I am hoping I can actually sleep some tonight because right now it doesn't seem plausible.

Cancer has tested my body and my mental and emotional strength, but this is pushing my body physically to the limit. And it sucks.

The only bright spot is that I was cleared of all my weight restrictions. This is especially exciting for me because I have a 25lb little man that is going to get the biggest squeeze of all time after this pain subsides! So hopefully that is very soon!

Until next time...

AD

My baby is 2!

I can't believe today is July 9th. This day is very special to me as it's my son's birthday. Two years ago we were awaiting his arrival, planning a baby shower, and buying/moving into our first home. When we do things in our family, we do them BIG. Like moving into our home three days before our son is born!

While neither Colin nor I graduated from Ohio State, it plays a part in our family's story. Colin proposed to me at the front gates of the Shoe in April of 2011 and apparently Kolton knew from the start he would be a big Buckeyes fan. I went on a tour of Ohio State's campus on July 8th and ended up in the hospital that night. I was in labor.

That night was one of the scariest of my life, even scaring than my cancer diagnosis. We knew he would be joining us soon, but this was six weeks early, he wasn't ready to come out yet. He had other plans. From the beginning Kolton has been a stubborn little boy, but he was the easiest going baby I had ever seen. I made it through the night without going into labor, but they finally had to break my water the next morning at 10:00am and at 10:33am on Tuesday, July 9th my baby Kolton John Dennis was born. He was as sweet as could be, but only 4lbs 4oz with underdeveloped lungs. I only got to hold him for about 20 minutes before they had to take him to the NICU. Those 20 minutes were precious.

19 days later, he came home!

Kolton has been my greatest accomplishment. Having a 1 1/2 year old and being diagnosed with cancer isn't something that I planned on doing in my life, but it happened. He was the main reason I never let myself get down in the dumps. He was my focus and he was my joy. Even though I was traveling through hell and back, he gave me something positive to focus on. I felt like crap, but he needed to eat. I was tired, but he needed a diaper changed. I felt like I couldn't do anymore, and he needed to cuddle. He truly lifted my spirits and I thank God for him everyday.

I am so thankful that he was young enough that he won't remember all of this. But his innocence was the exact push I needed during all of this. He didn't care that momma didn't have any hair or that I had gained weight or that I was exhausted. I was still his momma and he knew he could always make me smile.

He's been through a lot in his two short years. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me (sorry Colin).

I love you buddy and happy birthday!

Love,

Momma

The day of pain

I remember when I used to be afraid of needles. You would think since I have two tattoos I wouldn't be afraid of them. Well, that is completely insane. Of course I hated needles. When I had my immunizations for college they had to use a "shot blocker" on me so I wouldn't cry. I was a 17 year old in a pediatrician's office and they had to use something they normally save for little kids!

Fast forward almost ten years and that fear has completely gone out the window. I've been poked, prodded, and poked again with so many needles; at this point it doesn't even phase me. I am grateful for this because for the next 10 years I have to get a shot monthly to continue my cancer treatment. Now this is a good thing (I guess as good as it can be), because it means that my tumor was estrogen positive. An estrogen positive tumor means that they can reduce my risk of getting cancer again by putting me on hormone therapy. This is nice, but it will be for TEN YEARS. Not only do I have to get this shot once a month, I also have to take a pill daily. Now that doesn't sound too horrible in the grand scheme of things, except at 26 I have extreme hot flashes. Now most women under the age of 50 don't have to worry about these and those of you who have/had them know exactly what I am talking about. For those of you who don't, let me share a little. Hot flashes are random, which is the lovely part, I never know when one will creep up on me. This past week it has been at five in the morning when I am trying to sleep and I wake up sweating and have to turn the air down just to go back to sleep. I feel like I am in a freaking rainforest. The temperature is 90+ degrees and the humidity is at 100%. That's what my hot flash feels like. Let me tell you, they're not fun.

Even worse than the hot flashes that the shot/pill combo cause is the shot itself. Now I still don't like watching myself get prodded with needles, so I tend to look away. Apparently this shot (which for my nursing and medical friends - it's subq) is not a normal one. There is no liquid injected rather it is a pellet, yes I said a PELLET that is injected under my skin that absorbs over the course of four weeks. So with this pellet being injected, it's not a normal needle. I've given myself and have gotten subq shots before and they're easy peasy lemon squeezy. This most definitely was NOT easy. First I have to be lying complete flat (which isn't comfortable with these lovely expanders in right now). Second, it's a rather large gauge for this pellet to fit through. Thankful I had a wonderful nurse who made me put ice my on stomach for a good ten minutes before she gave me the shot. My stomach was nice and cold/numb so she had me look away and I didn't feel anything.

Since I have to do this monthly, she called in a prescription for topical numbing cream, so I don't always have to wait around for the ice to do it's magic. And for those of you who are wondering how large this needle was, let me share this story... There was a nurse who was learning how to give this injection (it's rare, but becoming more popular). Well her and my husband were with me when I got the shot and I was looking away before the needle was uncapped. When it was uncapped I hear simultaneous gasps from the two of them and horrified looks on their faces because of how big this needle was. Thankfully the ice did it's job and I was numb enough to not feel anything.

This day was definitely a day of pain, but in the long run this is the easy part of the ride.

Until next time...

AD

Catch up

It's been a while since I've shared with you and a lot has happened since then. First things first, I GOT MY DRAINS OUT! Those drains were the most awful part of recovery. I was so happy when I was able to get them out, but let me tell you the removal process was strange. Literally the nurse just yanked them out. She just cut the sutures and yanked which was a weird feeling. That's how I started my morning of marathon doctors appointments. But I was just so thankful for them to be gone! Two weeks and two days was long enough!

My marathon day of doctor's appointments consisted for the plastic surgeon, breast surgeon, and medical oncologist. I was exhausted by the time we left the last one. All was well and they said I was healing extremely well. The breast surgeon was a quick appointment (thankfully) and I am free and clear until my follow-up in October. I've realized that this will be my new normal, seeing these doctors quite a bit over the next ten years. Now it was on to my medical oncologist. This was the appointment I guess you could say I was looking forward to, if that's even possible. We were going to cover what my next course of treatment was going to be and in the matter of 20 minutes, it all changed! That's the thing about cancer treatment, they're always doing research on new medications. So in a conversation with one of the other oncologists in the office who sees more breast cancer patients, she was convinced to try a new course of treatment with me. So my life for the next ten years is still taking a pill daily (which I still haven't gotten, thanks insurance), but also getting a shot monthly. I got my first shot this past Thursday, but that's for another post (it was rather interesting)! Let's just say it was not what I expected...

After my marathon of appointments last week, I headed to my hometown with my mom. The next day we were participating in our family's first Relay for Life and I had family coming in from Pennsylvania. Relay started Saturday morning at 10 and lasted until 11 that night. This wasn't my first Relay, but this was the first one as a survivor AND I was going to be speaking! The day was a lot of fun, but I was still recovering from surgery, so I couldn't do a whole lot, but I did some walking and relaxing! The survivor lap was actually a lot of "fun". I've never been one to feel sorry for myself with this diagnosis and seeing the group of survivors and leading them around that lap was a great feeling. I even made it in the paper...

They got the caption wrong to this photo, but it was still pretty cool we were in the paper!

Our Relay for Life team during the team lap.

I was going to be speaking before the luminary ceremony at dusk. I had no idea what I was going to be saying and I knew I couldn't really plan anything because I didn't want to read of a paper, I wanted to speak from the heart. I am definitely not shy talking about my journey with breast cancer, so my husband said just share all that I've been through. My goal wasn't to make people cry, but to really share a story of hope, strength, and determination. The hardest part was looking at my mom and aunt while I was speaking since they were both crying and I was trying so hard to keep it together. I don't like crying over this stuff, I didn't even really cry when I found out, to me it wasn't worth it. I shared with everyone that being 26 and diagnosed with cancer sucked, but that I was actually thankful for all of it because it taught me what is important in life, family. My family is the reason I was able to make it through with my head held high and my son especially gave me the drive to never let my treatments and surgeries get me down.

 Kolton joined me half way through the survivors lap. He woke up from his nap just in time!

Until next time...

AD

Scars make us who we are

My diagnosis was probably the hardest moment of my life. At 26 I was supposed to be enjoying life as a wife and mother, not fighting a cancer battle. Cancer is what happens to other people, not me. The past eight months have truly shown me what I am capable of doing. I always knew I was stubborn, but getting through my diagnosis, surgery, IVF treatments, chemotherapy, losing my hair, and a second surgery showed my true colors. I am a fighter. I am a survivor.

Those are two reasons why I chose to go through with a bi-lateral mastectomy. The decision was easy for me, especially with the help of genetic testing. So on May 27th I took a leap and had both breasts removed. I am opting for reconstruction, so the beginning of that process started right after the mastectomy. It's been an interesting ten days so far. I am glad I went through with the surgery, but it's been hard physically, but mostly it's been hard emotionally.

Not being able to do much at home is quite boring. The most excitement I had was going to the movies on Tuesday. It was the first time I was out of the house for more than 20 minutes and I loved it! However, I don't think my body was quite ready for that outing. At 4:30 am the next day I woke up with searing pain in my back and chest. It was hard to breathe. I thought it was just in my head, so I turned on the TV and tried to just relax and fall back asleep. That did not happen. So I went upstairs and woke Colin up. You would have thought I yelled "FIRE" the way he jumped out of bed. I had a gripping pain that would not go away. Looking back, I'm pretty sure it was an intense muscle spasm, but in the moment I thought it was going to kill me. I know that's a bit dramatic, but it was intense.

Thankfully that was the only BIG thing that happened. Other than that, I just keep getting scolded for doing more than I should. I have a hard time not doing things, but when I don't listen, I pay for it later in pain. The expanders they put in after removing the breast tissue are VERY uncomfortable. They essentially put a square piece in a round area underneath muscle.

We've had a home health nurse come by a few times to help us in cleaning the incisions and change the dressings. Neither Colin nor I have any health background, so it's been nice to have someone who knows what they're doing helping us a few times a week. The second visit was this past Sunday. That was the hardest one by far. When she was changing my dressing I accidentally looked down and saw, well nothing and it freaked me out. I went pale and thought I was going to pass out. Even though I opted for this surgery and knew that I was getting rid of my breasts, it's still hard to see it first hand. I lost a part of me, part of what made me a woman. Even now, I still haven't looked in a mirror because I don't know if I'm ready to face my body yet. I did have Colin take a picture for me so I can see the incisions.

This is what breast cancer awareness campaigns should show you...
Be warned, this photo is graphic.

You can see that it's not the prettiest of scars that I will have. The surgeons say this looks good, by the way. I'm extremely uncomfortable because of the expanders, swollen, and bruised. Everyone knows the pink ribbon and all of the cute items that are for sale, but this is really what they should be showing, this is what breast cancer really looks like.

I'm hanging in there and am glad this is the last leg of this journey.

Until next time...

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No more second base

Well it has been just over a week since I took the final step (hopefully) in this process.

(I don't know if you can see, but I AM GROWING EYEBROWS AND EYELASHES!!! WOO HOO!)

My surgery went well and there were no complications. I was told the surgery was about 3.5 hours, I don't know... one minute we were talking about vacations, honeymoons, and music and the next I was in some serious pain in recovery. I still haven't heard anything about the pathology results, but I'm going with no news being good news.

I wasn't that nervous going in to this surgery, I think mainly because this was the last step. I've already gone through hell and back and made it out alive; so this should be a piece of cake. Piece of cake may have been a little strong I'm realizing now. While the surgery went smoothly, the initial recovery was pretty rough. I remember waking up and screaming/crying because I was in so much pain, so they promptly gave me some good pain meds. After I became pretty stable I was to be moved to my own room for the night. Waiting for the transport team was excruciatingly long. Apparently I was low on their priority list. I almost wish they would have just left me in recovery because when the transport team did come, they put me back in some serious pain.

With this surgery I am not able to move my arms above my shoulders. Well, I had a blood pressure cuff on my right arm in recovery and when they came to transport me, they had to take it off. They were not very careful in doing this though, nor was he gentle. He raised my arm up (extremely painful) and yanked the cuff off. So I was not a happy camper to say the least and told my nurse as soon as I was in my room.

I digress... I go in to my room and was thankful and surprised to see a little note on my board from Alli. It was nice to know there was a familiar face roaming the halls. All of my nurses were fabulous and all of my PSAs were as well. That first night was rough, in all ways. I was still in so much pain, so I was getting meds via my IV. I had no appetite and pretty much stayed in my bed trying to eat a few ice chips when I could. In the middle of the night I decided I needed to go to the bathroom. Now this was interesting and a production. I was hooked up to the IV pump, so I had to have the nurse help. I got out of bed and started shuffling to the bathroom, which was maybe ten feet from my bed. I made it maybe three feet before I got extremely nauseous and dizzy. At that point I couldn't move, so my mom brought a chair over for me to sit and the nurse brought be a bucket to hold. I couldn't help it, I started vomiting. Now let me tell you... vomiting when you haven't eaten or drank anything really hurts. Actually, I lied. I did eat something, about one bite of a grape popsicle. So I was throwing up lovely stomach acid and a tiny bit of purple sugar water. Lovely. That was not what I had in mind for my first out of bed excursion.

Zofran was my friend for quite some time following surgery. My body was not a fan of the anesthesia for surgery. Most people only spend one night in the hospital after a bi-lateral mastectomy. I had to spend two. Thursday was not much better than Wednesday evening/night. I didn't really get out of bed except to go the ten feet to the bathroom. I was on pain medication and Zofran every four or five hours. The WORST part of all of this was the reaction I had to the pain meds. Itchiness. My WHOLE body was on fire and itched like crazy. I couldn't even keep the hospital gown on. I literally was in my undies and surgical bra. It was awful. So on top of the anti-nausea medication, pain medication, I was now also on Benadryl.

Well now that I've shared probably more information than you cared to know, I'll move on. After spending another night in the hospital I felt much better. Friday morning I actually was hungry. I hadn't eaten anything since Tuesday evening at this point. I was so hungry that my eyes were WAY bigger than my stomach. I could only eat four or five bites of anything and then I was full. So I had a little bit of graham crackers and peanut butter (thanks Jess), a few bites of butter toast, a few bites of peanut butter toast with sliced banana, and a few bites of oatmeal. I couldn't order just one thing for breakfast, it all sounded so delicious.

Before I was able to go home, we had to learn how to take care of my wounds. I was not looking forward to this at all. The breast health nurse, Nancy, came to my room and taught Colin and my mom want to do. Even though I opted for this surgery and knew I'd be losing my boobs, I wasn't ready (and I'm still not ready) to look at my incisions. We had to change the dressings once a day and clean everything with peroxide. I have these two lovely drains on either side that we also have to empty at least twice a day and "strip". While Nancy was going over all of this my mom asked a million questions and made me very anxious about all of it... it was too much. Colin even had to sit down and look away for a few minutes. The drains just suck. There is no way around it. Wednesday night the left drain was so full that I couldn't breathe. And I'm stuck with these lovely drains for at least ten days, but probably more like 16 (or if I'm REALLY unlucky 22).

I think that's all for now. I'll fill you in on the adventures of being home in the next post.

Until next time...

AD

Today is it.

Well today is the day. The last huge leap in this whole process, another surgery.

Last night was my "last meal" since I couldn't eat or drink anything after midnight. We went out to Lindey's and may have had the best steak we've ever eaten. It was definitely a great meal to end on! We didn't have the same waitress or even see Emily, but the valet remembered us. Such a small world.

I was making myself nervous yesterday evening. I had to do the dishes and wash every piece of dirty laundry in our house to keep busy. Nervous jitters, sure lets blame that. Right now I am three hours away from my arrival time and I don't know what to do with myself. In order to try and find some peace and one last workout in, I went to yoga at 6am. Yes, I said 6am. It was hard to wake up, but well worth it. I'll have plenty of time to sleep during surgery. Yoga has truly been a release for me. A place to meditate, to forget about everything I've been through and will go through, and just be.

I know I sound like a crazy yogi, but I always leave happier than I went in. That's huge for me. Some people have the same feeling about running. I understand the feeling, but don't get the running part!

I'm sorry this is such a short post, my mind is running a mile a minute and I'm just trying to keep up. I am terrified about this surgery. Not so much the actual surgery or even the physical pain for that matter. I'm afraid of the mirror, of what I will look like afterward. They make medication for the pain, but they don't make anything to make it easier to see where a part of me used to be.

Well, I think I still have more laundry to do!

Until next time...

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I'm a survivor

Cue the Reba McEntire song. And now cue the tears from me.

This past Saturday was very emotional. The Susan G. Komen Race for a Cure was held in Columbus. The largest in the country. It's crazy to think that there were 30,000 people registered to run/walk in our beautiful city.

I figured the day would be kind of emotional because it was the first time I was participating, and I was one of the "lucky" ones to be in the survivor category. The survivor ceremony was incredible. So many strong women (and men) being honored by so many. There were cheers, hugs, high fives, and so much love and respect.

There were survivors there with signs; 6 year survivor, 1 year survivor, 3 weeks, mine at 2 weeks, and the best sign I saw was 49 year survivor. There is hope out there. There is a cure to be found. I'm thankful every day that even though I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 26 that there is so much of a spot light on this disease and that there are people working diligently to find a cure.

• Fewer than 5% of all breast cancer diagnosed in the U.S. occur in women under 40 (http://ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/YoungWomenandBreastCancer.html).
• Also, most who are diagnosed before 40 face much more aggressive cancers.

I refuse to be a statistic.

Just writing this post I am becoming very emotional. When you're in your twenties and younger, you think you're invincible. Well I'm here to tell you, you're not. Our time on this earth is limited. You never know when it's your time. It could be tomorrow, a year from now, 20 years from now, or it could be 50 years from now. It could be a car accident, a heart attack, a stroke, cancer, or natural causes. There are no guarantees in this life. My breast cancer diagnosis really made me think hard about my life and what is important. Before my diagnosis I'm sure all of my family would tell you that I was an anal retentive person who didn't really know how to relax. My husband would sure tell you that! I got mad over little unimportant things and I would really let things bother me if they weren't done my way or quickly when I asked. I'm sure I was probably a bear to be around when I got in one of those moods. Now I know that it's ok to let dishes sit for a few hours (or days) if it means that I get to spend time outside with Kolton or the dogs. That it's ok to not have a spotless house. That's it's not worth getting upset over someone driving too slow, or not acting like you want them too, or when things aren't going how you planned. It doesn't matter. What does matter is that you spend time with those you love and tell them all the time that you love and cherish your time with them. That you spend your days doing things you enjoy and around people who enjoy your company. Those are the things that matter. The dishes can wait, but blowing bubbles with a 22 month old and seeing how happy it makes him can't.

We're not guaranteed much on this earth. The best we can do is surround ourselves with others who support us, love us, challenge us, and best of make us laugh.

This year has been especially hard and with another surgery just around the corner, it won't get easier any time soon. This blog has been a positive outlet for me and I am also thankful that you take the time to read and let me share this awful, emotional, wonderful, and terrifying journey with you.

Until next time...

AD

Post chemo life

I am two and a half weeks out from my last chemotherapy treatment. It's weird to think that back in December when I started treatment I thought April was so far away, that it would NEVER get here. And now it's May! Time really does fly by, and not just when you're having fun.

These two and a half weeks have been nice. Working five days a week was a little weird at first, but I think I'm back in to the swing of things now! I still go to bed before 10pm most nights, so I guess I can't really blame my treatments for that anymore. I think I just have to live with the fact that I am a 26 year old with the body of an 86 year old! That's ok though.

I have had a pretty eventful last few days. The last time I shared with you, it was announced that I had won the Honorary Bat Girl contest of the Cleveland Indians. Well this past Sunday was the game where I got to throw out the first pitch. IT WAS FREAKING AWESOME! I was unbelievably nervous, but had a blast at the game and on the field. I had so many family members there cheering me on and to top it all off, it was Mother's Day. Colin - you're going to have a hard time topping that for years to come!

We got to the park about two hours before the game started and got to watch batting practice and just enjoy the stadium before going down on the field. It was a surreal feeling stepping out of the stands and on to the grass. I felt like I was breaking the rules, like I shouldn't be doing this. I was sad I didn't get to meet any of the players, but Terry Francona did walk right in front of me, so that was pretty cool! And I saw Sandy Alomar from afar!

It turned out to be a beautiful day, definitely hot, but beautiful. We got to hang out in the suites behind the dugout before throwing out the first pitch and I did two interviews which was kind of cool. You can read the article here, http://m.indians.mlb.com/news/article/123621324/alecia-dennis-has-mothers-day-to-remember?adbid=10153296137019521&adbpl=fb&adbpr=46104914520&partnerId=as_cle_20150511_45557096&short_code=2ysm0.

Kolton and Colin got to come on the field with me. I think we have a life long Indians fan in Kolton now. He loved playing with the baseball I got for the first pitch and surprisingly was able to carry around (well drag really) the pink Louisville Slugger I received as well. On the field there were actually a lot of people since it was the Pink Ribbon Game. So before the first (and second) pitch, there was a human pink ribbon formed out in center field. It was great to see so much support.

And now... the first pitch. https://vine.co/v/emdXHELepP5

I MADE IT ACROSS THE PLATE!!! Slider just needs to learn how to catch!

I had so much fun at the game and was so excited to celebrate Mother's Day with my mom, grandma, aunt, cousin, step mom, sister-in-laws, and all of my other family members. It was truly a day to remember!

If that wasn't enough excitement for one weekend, let me tell you about my Saturday... My family is sneaky.

On Saturday morning my cousin, who came in for the weekend from PA, treated us to pedicures. We got to hang out and catch up, and get pretty toes! I thought she was doing this just because we hadn't seen each other in a while and she recently found out she was pregnant, so it was a way to celebrate her great news and me being done with chemo. Boy was I wrong... she was charged with getting me out of the house and keeping me occupied...

After listening to my husband "complain" on the phone that my mom wanted us to meet them at some park to get pictures we left Old Navy to head to the park. After arriving, Colin came out to greet me with a shirt to put on... our Relay for Life t-shirts (which are pretty cool I have to say). I was wondering why I was going in to the building on site.

When I walked in I was shocked to see ALL of my family there cheering for me. My mom had planned a surprise party to celebrate the end of my chemo treatment. I had my in-laws there, my mom's side of the family, my dad's side of the family, my step-mom's family, my step-dad's family, family from Maryland, friends, and even my best friend drive in from Pittsburgh. I couldn't believe it. So many people there to celebrate with me!

This past weekend was so eventful that I still think I am recovering! I had so much fun and was surprised that everyone was able to keep a secret like that from me for so long. It was great to see everyone and I had the best Mother's Day weekend!

Until next time...

AD