Tired.

Tired. I don't think I ever fully appreciated that word before now.

This past Monday was my second treatment of Round 2 (Taxol). This treatment doesn't seem to be quite as harsh as the Adriamycin and Cytoxan in terms of side effects. But man-o-man let me tell you about this second treatment.

First, I get three pre-treats (Nursing terminology): Benadryl, an antacid, and a steroid. These are all via IV before my Taxol treatment begins. Have you ever taken pill Benadryl before? Well I have, and that one, tiny little pink pill, could knock me out for HOURS. Now, let's try getting this dose directly injected into your veins. Within minutes I am almost completely knocked out.

My first Taxol treatment was ok; I was just tired, but overall fine. Wow, did that change this past Monday. I basically got my ass kicked with that treatment. Slurred speech, not being able to walk straight, lots and lots of sleep, foggy memory, and bone pain were just a few of the side effects I experienced. Apparently I talked with my mom on the phone during this fog and don't quite remember even answering the phone. Thankfully though, after an afternoon of sleep and rest I felt great (great being relative) the next morning.

While I'm glad this Round is a little easier to handle, I'm not so fond of one of the side effects so far... losing my eyebrows and eyelashes. This was a sad realization I had this week. Losing my hair was one of the hardest situations I have had to go through, but I always kept saying to myself "I just don't want to lose my eyebrows though". And now guess what, I'm losing my eyebrows. Lucky me.

I hate feeling sorry for myself, because really what is that going to accomplish? Nothing. And what is everyone else feeling sorry for me going to accomplish? Nothing. So I will suck it up and deal, just like I did with being bald. I can rock the bald head, I'm proud of my bald head. It shows that I am fighting a battle and that I'm not afraid to show it. My bald head gives me strength I never knew I had. It keeps me fighting. But losing my eyebrows, it's just hard to wrap my head around. Do I pencil them in? Do I just shave them? Do I shave them and use fake ones? There are so many options.

I truly admire women who have had to make these decisions and those who have had to make much harder ones. But I can't lie; right now I'm a little jealous of those women who have the easier choices. I wish for days where my hair just wouldn't cooperate. Or one of those "my hair is so ugly I'm going to throw it in a ponytail" days. Or any of the other days where women are complaining about their hair. Well hey; at least you have hair to complain about.

I realize that sounds a bit jaded, and it is; but not all of my days are filled with strength and positivity. Sometimes the fact that I do have cancer gets to me. Sometimes it’s only for a minute and others for a bit longer. It’s hard. To constantly be fighting, all day, every day. It’s exhausting. Some days it’s hard to get out of bed, to go to work, eat, go to class, to take care of my family and my house. I feel that if I can keep my good days outnumbering these “bad” ones, then I’ll be ok. It’s alright to feel defeated sometimes, just as long as you don’t stay there.

Any time I feel that this is all getting to be too much, I read this…

Cancer can take so much from you, if you let it. I'm not going to.

AD