It's been a while

It's been a little while since I've updated you all on my life during chemotherapy. I'm still here, I promise.

This has been a crazy seven months for me. From finding a lump, to the biopsy, to the surgery, to chemo. It's been a journey to say the least. But, I am so happy to say that I am HALF WAY DONE with Round 2!!! I am so excited to say that. Six down. Six to go.

Round 2 has been so much easier than Round 1, at least with eating and the nausea. What really sucks about this round is that I have to go every week. And let me tell you, I have become a regular. The nurses (most of them) know me by name because I've been there 10 times (and I still have six left)! It's sad when I answer questions before I even answer them. And my hands/arms are taking a beating with the IVs. Some days it's easy, others (like this past Monday) it was a bit rough. Apparently my veins did not want to cooperate at all, so I have lovely bruises on both of my hands.

But on a different note, I wanted to share a little piece of my mind with you all. I have gotten so many comments from people that think I'm crazy to still be going to classes (for my MBA) and going through chemo. The only person who has understood why I'm still doing everything I can is my brother-in-law. I am trying to keep my life as normal as possible and not giving up on anything just because I have cancer. I don't want to be a saint or have everyone telling me, "I don't know how you do it." I HAVE to do it. I need to keep going because if I don't, I feel like my cancer is going to win and I can't let that happen.

Going through chemo has taught me so much, this entire journey really has. I have become a better version of myself. I've finally started to really take care of myself, both body and mind. I've started doing yoga, I try and go every Saturday and I think that has really helped me through this journey. And to be quite honest, I'm kind of addicted now! So thanks Seven Studios for that, your Groupon got me hooked! I even went outside of my comfort zone last night and took an acro yoga class. I surprised myself with how much strength I actually had. I mean this both in the literal and figurative sense. I let myself go and have fun and trust someone I have never met before to fly me around while holding myself up with just my core and legs. I didn't get a picture this time, but I'm hooked and I'll share a photo from next week with you! It was crazy and so much fun. In the figurative sense of strength, I never really knew how strong I was until this journey. I never used to be a very positive person, I was very skeptical and wouldn't have considered myself a pessimist, but definitely a realist. That mindset is very taxing. It's so much better to try and be positive, I really feel that a weight has been lifted during all of this because I'm always looking for the silver lining. This sucks. No one should have to deal with cancer at any age, but especially while you're young. But there is a silver lining to all of this for me. At least I found it early.

Everyday is a blessing for me. I get to spend my time with my husband and son, who drives me nuts but keeps me sane at the same time. I have taken the initiative to take care of myself and listen to my body and I guess sometimes my husband. I am lucky to be surrounded by friends, family, and co-workers who are rooting for me and supporting me along the way. I had a follow-up with my surgeon this past Friday and will taking a huge leap this summer by having a bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. This decision wasn't exactly an easy one to make, but I think it's the right one. I'm scared and overwhelmed by both the surgery and the recovery, but also what it will be like living life without my breasts, which are a huge part of a woman's life. Letting go of the vanity is actually kind of hard, but thankfully they are just that, vanity. I guess I have something to look forward to as I get older, gravity shouldn't have any effect on me! And of course, my husband and mom both promised I would get one of these shirts...

Thank you all for sharing in this journey with me. And I promise, I'll keep you updated more often (sorry I had an exam last week)!

AD

Battle scars

I am three treatments into Round 2 and my body is already starting to feel the effects. My eyes are swollen, I'm losing my eyebrows slowly but surely, my eyelashes are getting thinner, my arms and hands look like I've been in multiple fights, and I am extremely exhausted. If I didn't already, now I REALLY look like a cancer patient.

The hardest part of treatment right now is the IV I have to get every week. Getting poked by a needle isn't fun anytime, but when they have to do it two, three, sometimes four times it really sucks. And having treatment every week isn't being nice to my veins.

I don't know if you can tell, but there are bruises on both my hands and arms from the treatments I have had thus far. That first picture is of my left forearm, which hasn't been used for an IV since Round 1 (5 weeks ago) and it's still bruised. The nice part of the Taxol, I haven't had any of the body aches yet. So I guess I can suffer through the bruises and nurses digging in my hands and arms for a vein... for now.

Tired.

Tired. I don't think I ever fully appreciated that word before now.

This past Monday was my second treatment of Round 2 (Taxol). This treatment doesn't seem to be quite as harsh as the Adriamycin and Cytoxan in terms of side effects. But man-o-man let me tell you about this second treatment.

First, I get three pre-treats (Nursing terminology): Benadryl, an antacid, and a steroid. These are all via IV before my Taxol treatment begins. Have you ever taken pill Benadryl before? Well I have, and that one, tiny little pink pill, could knock me out for HOURS. Now, let's try getting this dose directly injected into your veins. Within minutes I am almost completely knocked out.

My first Taxol treatment was ok; I was just tired, but overall fine. Wow, did that change this past Monday. I basically got my ass kicked with that treatment. Slurred speech, not being able to walk straight, lots and lots of sleep, foggy memory, and bone pain were just a few of the side effects I experienced. Apparently I talked with my mom on the phone during this fog and don't quite remember even answering the phone. Thankfully though, after an afternoon of sleep and rest I felt great (great being relative) the next morning.

While I'm glad this Round is a little easier to handle, I'm not so fond of one of the side effects so far... losing my eyebrows and eyelashes. This was a sad realization I had this week. Losing my hair was one of the hardest situations I have had to go through, but I always kept saying to myself "I just don't want to lose my eyebrows though". And now guess what, I'm losing my eyebrows. Lucky me.

I hate feeling sorry for myself, because really what is that going to accomplish? Nothing. And what is everyone else feeling sorry for me going to accomplish? Nothing. So I will suck it up and deal, just like I did with being bald. I can rock the bald head, I'm proud of my bald head. It shows that I am fighting a battle and that I'm not afraid to show it. My bald head gives me strength I never knew I had. It keeps me fighting. But losing my eyebrows, it's just hard to wrap my head around. Do I pencil them in? Do I just shave them? Do I shave them and use fake ones? There are so many options.

I truly admire women who have had to make these decisions and those who have had to make much harder ones. But I can't lie; right now I'm a little jealous of those women who have the easier choices. I wish for days where my hair just wouldn't cooperate. Or one of those "my hair is so ugly I'm going to throw it in a ponytail" days. Or any of the other days where women are complaining about their hair. Well hey; at least you have hair to complain about.

I realize that sounds a bit jaded, and it is; but not all of my days are filled with strength and positivity. Sometimes the fact that I do have cancer gets to me. Sometimes it’s only for a minute and others for a bit longer. It’s hard. To constantly be fighting, all day, every day. It’s exhausting. Some days it’s hard to get out of bed, to go to work, eat, go to class, to take care of my family and my house. I feel that if I can keep my good days outnumbering these “bad” ones, then I’ll be ok. It’s alright to feel defeated sometimes, just as long as you don’t stay there.

Any time I feel that this is all getting to be too much, I read this…

Cancer can take so much from you, if you let it. I'm not going to.

AD

Round 2, here we go.

4 down, 12 to go. Treatments that is.

I have a countdown going. April 27th cannot get here soon enough. That is THE last treatment of chemo and I cannot wait. Tomorrow I begin Round 2. I am excited/nervous. Round 1 was a cocktail of two drugs that were pretty harsh and the side affects were horrible. If you would have asked me a few months ago, "Alecia, what do you think are going to be the worst side affects of your chemo treatment?" I would have answered unknowingly, "Of course the nausea and hair loss!" Boy was I WRONG!

When you hear stories, watch movies, and think about chemo treatment you almost always hear about the hair loss and the nausea. Those seem to be the two side affects everyone talks about. Probably because they are the most kosher to discuss. But let me tell you something, they are probably the two easiest side affects to deal with. The ones that aren't so kosher to discuss, especially with strangers, are the worst ones. Like how for me, I don't want to eat after treatments because I feel like I am eating a tin can no matter what is in front of me. I have to force myself to drink water, even though it tastes like I'm drinking from an old rusty tin can. How diarrhea and constipation are two of the most common side affects and you could be on one or both sides of that fence. Discussing bowel movements isn't the most pleasant thing, even with your doctor. But these two have been the absolute WORST for me in the past two months. The nausea is bad, but they have medicine to help combat that and I was lucky enough to have a nicely shaped head, meaning I can rock the bald look. It's actually kind of nice, my showers are now only five minutes and I don't have to fuss over my hair not cooperating when styling in the morning. I was blessed with quite a bit of confidence and have come to love my bald head!

Tomorrow begins the journey of many unknowns again. At least with Round 1, I knew what to expect and was beginning to get used to how my body was reacting to treatment. The second week of each cycle was nice, especially since I felt "normal" again. Food tasted good, I enjoyed drinking water, and could function pretty well. Going in to weekly treatments, especially with a new drug, scares me. I don't know how I will react and I won't have that weekly cushion where I know I feel okay. A new drug brings out new side affects. How will I react? What will be the worst? These are questions that I would really love the answer to, but have to find out as I go.

This journey has been horrifying and I have learned quite a bit about myself along the way. Like the fact that it's okay to go to bed at 7PM if I'm tired. I shouldn't beat myself up because I'm tired. I should sleep when my body tells me it needs sleep, eat when it tells me I need food, and to relax when it tells me I've pushed myself too far. I've realized to listen to what my body is telling me, which is a hard concept to grasp sometimes. We don't always listen and that's how we make ourselves sick and spread ourselves too thin. That is one positive that has come from this cancerous journey. Stop every once in a while and listen to what your body is saying. Sometimes that's the best medicine.

I'll let you all know how tomorrow goes. Thank you so much for following along and reading my crazy and sometimes philosophical ideas. This blog has helped me cope with my diagnosis and treatment, so I thank you for letting me share my journey!

Until next time.

AD

I'm thankful... crazy, right?

I have been thinking these past few days after talking at work. I may not say this enough, and people probably think I'm crazy, but I can honestly say that I am very thankful. Although my situation isn't ideal, I have so many things to be thankful for right now. Yesterday morning I went to my first yoga class. The main point I took from this class was that this world is full of hatred and bad things, but we need to remember that there is good too. And we can be that good we wish to see in the world. As I left class, I felt happy and relaxed and reflected quite a bit yesterday afternoon.

I am thankful first and foremost for my husband and son. Without them I don't think I would have the outlook on my diagnosis that I have and they make me want to fight even harder because I have them with me in my corner. I'm thankful that Kolton is so young and doesn't understand what I am going through and that he likes my bald head :-). I'm also thankful for my families. It's always great knowing that I have so much support behind me from all sides of my family. I'm also thankful for the fact that I caught this early and it could have been much, much worse. Lastly, I am thankful for my friends and colleagues for their encouragement throughout this ordeal.

The past few weeks so many people have commented that they love my outlook and attitude. I always find that to be a strange compliment, I feel that I do not have a choice. If I was angry, upset, or anything other than positive that my cancer would eat me alive. I'm not usually an optimist, but my cancer diagnosis made me realize that life is just too damn short to not be happy. I obviously wouldn't choose to have breast cancer, but I do. And there is nothing I can do about it. So I might as well accept that fact and stop trying to figure out why.

When I was first diagnosed, I was angry. The first thoughts that went through my head were: I'm pissed, why me, I'm going to fight like hell, and this is complete and utter bullshit. I quickly realized that if I continued down that thought path I would be absolutely miserable for such a long time. I can't change or control my diagnosis, but I can control my outlook and attitude on the whole situation.

No one should have to go through this, but there are worse things in the world. I am not defined by cancer, it's just a part of who I am now.

Hard week

So it's been a little while since I've filled you all in on my life. Not like it's exciting or anything, but ya know, you probably are drooling to find out what's been happening. HA

I am over half way done with my first round of chemo. So that's exciting. One more treatment of this cocktail and then I go into round 2. Round 2 is only one drug and not a cocktail like I'm on right now. So I can't wait. Unfortunately though, round 2 is once a week for 12 WEEKS!

While I've celebrated this week, for more than one reason. It's been a hard week on my body. So I've already told you why I was first celebrating, but the second reason is that my Buckeyes won the first College Football Playoff National Championship! That made for an interesting Monday night, since I had treatment and class on top of watching the game.

This week started out rough, I forgot to order my medication so I started my treatment off on the wrong foot. And my shot affected me more so than usual this time around, so I slept most of Tuesday away. The worst part of treatment is the body aches from my shot and the metallic taste that makes food and even water taste bad! It makes it so I don't want to eat anything because nothing tastes good :-(.

Thankfully I'm finally starting to feel better, and I'm blaming coffee!

Another haircut

So happy 2015!

My New Year wasn't very exciting, I didn't even make it until midnight. I figured the world would be the same at 9:00PM when I went to bed as 7:00AM when I woke up. Does that make me old? Does the fact that I've went to bed before midnight the past two New Year's Eve's make me really old!?

That's ok. I've already come to terms with that fact!

So besides not staying awake until midnight, my new year has been pretty laid back. Ya know, except for the fact that I got the flu. After two weeks of vacation from work, I would be the one to get sick two days before going back. Two days of not getting out of bed, fun stuff! And to top it all off, I started losing the little hair I had left... I rocked to buzzed looked, but didn't know how I felt about being completely bald yet.

It was bad...

Who would want to walk around with hair like this? Certainly not me. So I did something that I never thought I would do in my lifetime. I gave my husband permission to shave my head. He was way too happy when I told him this. It was a strange feeling. I had already lost the majority of my hair when it was buzzed, but I was still sad. Now ALL of my hair was gone. I cried because I don't think I let myself cry enough before. Now, I know it's only hair, but you just don't understand until you go through this.

But I think I look pretty good bald. Although my head needs a serious tan!

Tomorrow is another treatment, so I'm sure I'll have plenty more to share. Also, it's the National Championship Game for OSU! Too bad I won't be able to stay up and watch.

I leave you with this quote from Stuart Scott, who recently past away after battling cancer for seven years. He is an inspiration after seeing what all he did during his chemo treatments. I only hope I am that strong!